equilibrio

by

I want to speak candidly 
about the things I feel
day in
and day out.

the things that
tear me up,
keep my thoughts 
awake in bed,
and have me questioning 
my confidence..


i want to speak
about my struggle
with my reflection.


every day, sure as the sun rises, i wake up, walk to the bathroom, lift my shirt in the mirror and pinch my fat.



i don't give myself a second to feel any confidence.
i wake up and shut myself down, instantly.
sometimes i look at instagram or blogs before i get up and,
to be honest, it only makes it worse.
i admire the human body,
just not my own.
"the media" and my job as a model
have altered my brain 
to think that good enough
is never good enough.

i silently scream inside.
constantly, i have brands and agents
telling me that i need to
"thin out" here
and "tone up" there.
the fact that thinning out and toning up
are the only ways for me to keep my job
is stressful enough..
but the commentary and daily dialogue
about my belly fat and saddle bags
makes me feel low in real life.
i could go out and get any other job,
but i'm going to keep thinking that i'm "fat" or "unattractive"
until i find a way to make myself feel beautiful
on my own.




i've struggled with starving myself,
taking diet pills,
drinking a thousand espressos
to keep my hunger at bay,
but being unhealthy didn't
make me feel any more beautiful.
i've done every work out fad
there has ever been.
pure barre, 
reformer pilates,
paid thousands for ex NFL trainers,
and i never satisfy my industry's desire for perfection.
i haven't figured out what
my "self perfection" is yet.
i mean,
eating mashed potatoes 
and fitting in a double zero
with abs like giselle 
would be rad..
but i have to figure out how i'm 
going to achieve that 
and love myself in the process.
the ironic part
is that i obviously have a love
for food..
and i'm not talking just burgers
and ice cream,
but i love kale and beets and chia seeds...
i love healthy food as much as i love 
a breakfast at mcdonald's.
my struggle lies in balance.
i need to find a balance between
pushing myself past my limits;
limits of what i feel my body is capable of
and limits of when i'm depriving myself of things that make me happy.
this isn't a new battle,
it's one i've been fighting for years.
i know i am not alone in this struggle,
and i want you to know you aren't either.



"equilibrio"
italian
balance